Time to Re-boot

Here's the thing Lovelies.

Things are taking off in my business
in a way I have been dreaming of 
(and planning for) for some time.

Plans are coming together.
Visualizations are
coming to fruition.

The stream called "momentum" is 
starting to flow quicker.

Ideas that have been simmering for
some time are coming to the boil.


But  guess what?
 I am shying away from everything.

It's ludicrous. It just doesn't
make sense.

I am subconsciously
stalling the process!!

People who know me know I 
am a goals-oriented "ninja".


And yet I am letting things slip.

I start working on my to-do list and
I happily get hijacked my Pinterest,
or YouTube or even doing my
taxes (that's a sure sign something
is wrong and that medication may
be required ;-)

I am not finishing anything.

I looked at my bedside table where I have
7 new books; all non-fiction.
I have got no further than chapter 5 in any of them.

And when I walked into my little study there is a box 
of new books that I just keep piling up; touching, smelling
caressing and putting back onto the pile that is now their home.



If you even asked me what I read last night
I wouldn't even be able to tell you, because whilst
reading I am thinking about all the things I 
"should" have done that day and didn't.
So I have to go back and re-read each chapter
(or should I start fretting about Alzheimers now?)

OK, I'll just add that worry to my list?


If I watch something on TV I literally "lose the
plot" because my mind goes off somewhere else
and invites me along for the ride.

It's a strange place to be as I have never been
so "flaky" before.

Am I afraid of failure?
If I don't move forward in the 
way  I am now being called too,
I can't fail. I can only stagnate.
But that's not the same……is it?


Or am I afraid of playing a bigger game
(something that has never frightened me before).
If I start playing bigger I will have to step
out from behind my computer, out of my sweats
and become more the face of my business; I
subconsciously don't want to do this.
I love the air of anonymity I get from
having an on-line business.


 I just know I have no head-space left
for anything.
I can't even make a simple decision
like what to have for breakfast!

 So this weekend I am going to do 
my version of vegetating

I am sure I would play better if I had these

I am going to have my golf lesson.
Anyone who knows
me knows I so do not fit the image of a 
golf player. 

However it was either become 
a golf-widow when I moved 
to a home in Spain on a golf-course,
or join the party

I am going to do yoga.

Watch TV for no reason but
just because I want too.

Remove all reading material
from my bedroom


Cook.

Eat.

Sleep.

Walk.

Sweden

And call my neglected friends.

I think it may take longer than
this weekend to "re-boot"
but it's a start.

Hubs has said even if my website
combusts I am not to do a thing about
it until Monday (a bit harsh I thought ;-)

ring, silver, gold, jewelry, winter jewelry
Adorn yourself with a Winter garland



What are your plans this weekend?

Would love to hear how 
you maintain your head-space?

xxxxxx

17 comments:

  1. Oh my sweet friend .. I so know exactly what you are going through ... it's EGO chattering away and it hasn't helped with Mercury being in retrograde. This past year I have been on such a roller coaster of harmony and confusion on the direction of my life. Questioning everything! ... I'm starting to think that the universe provides all that we dream and desire ... and then it inserts a little curve ball to ensure we question things and really make the decision that is in our highest good - as sometimes what we dream, desire may not be for our highest good. Take your time ... ask your Angels for signs of what is for your highest good ... meditate ... I hope my two cents have helped ... hugs and blessings, C. (HHL)

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    1. Wow! FAB advice Celia. I've been seeing a lot about Mercury in retrograde. Do you think it's that? I know this is what I really want. But suddenly I have become completely complacent about everything.
      Yes, I plan to do some serious meditation ;-)
      Thank you for your lovely comments x

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  2. I totally understand what you mean Vanessa...I think I'm just coming through a very similar time...you're right you need to just let it all sink in and take a little time for you; it will all be waiting for you when you have re-charged your batteries...enjoy your weekend...RELAX.
    Sending you a big HUG xx

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    1. Thank you so much Catherine. I think my re-charge will do me the world of good.
      Have a lovely weekend C. Hopes it's not wet for either of us xx

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  3. I have been where you are many times, my friend. For me I think it was wrapped up in not being able to fail if I didn't really give it my all. Strange reasoning, but it worked at the time. The media time sucks hours out of my day at an alarming rate and I think it disrupts my focus too. Sounds like your weekend plans are wonderful and your husband is right about the website. You need perspective and "me" time.
    xoJennifer

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    1. Thank you Jennifer. It's so comforting knowing so many have been in the same place; you never like to feel you are going mad alone :-)
      Have a wonderful weekend xx

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  4. I absolutely 'get' this headset, I left a horrible stressful job nearly 3 years ago and have a blissful time of pottering, with no deadlines, no mobile ringing at 3 in the morning and subsequent adrenalin buzz that makes my heart and ear drums burst. Just peace and doing what I want/need to, I have been offered the job of my dreams and yet I feel myself hesitating not wanting to lose this new found calm. But this 'nothingness' is a bit disorientating, days just drift by, I do a few things, but nothing really matters, I probably need to get on with a more demanding life.

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    1. Great perspective. Am eager to see if you leave this blissful time to take the job of your dreams.

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  5. Vanessa dear-this is such a thoughtful post. I appreciate your candor. Your questions are interesting-why do you pull back when on the verge of success? Is it the responsibility? The fear of failure? The public persona you will have to create once again (rather than 'creating' from the comfort of the laptop in sweatpants and hair in a bun)? Some of these questions I have asked myself. I feel a kinship with you-we have both the intellectual/help others/psychology profession side and the sparkly/feminine/appreciate all that is beautiful side. Sometimes I feel that finding the balance between these different sides of my life (and creating an online business to boot) is wearing me down. My post was similar yesterday in the need to pull back and unplug for the weekend. One thing I always remind myself, when feeling overwhelmed, is to take some deep breaths (changes brain chemistry as we know) and remind myself that I can only do so much. I need to focus on taking the steps rather than doing it all at once. Enjoying the process makes the journey more pleasant for sure.
    I'm guessing you are just gearing up for something big (and in the mental cocooning state). I can't wait to hear more. Maybe you will decide that perfecting "Child's Pose" in yoga is the goal. ;)
    Happy weekend lovely friend,
    xx, Heather

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    1. TYSM Heather. Yes we do have many similarities; it's quite uncanny really.
      Having said that this weekend I wouldn't even do anything if my website combusted, it did combust over the weekend! Can you believe it? Is this a case of attracting ones thoughts? I will pop over and read your post (just wish we lived closer to be able to chew the fat together ;-) xx

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  6. I understand what you are going through. I have been through something similar recently as well. You just need to step back, recharge and rest. I have a blog that I would for you to follow http://enjoyinglifeat40.blogspot.com/ I enjoy reading your blog!

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    1. Many thanks Donna. I will pop over to yours ;-)

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  7. Hi Vanessa! Why is it that so often something you describe sooooo hits home? I do some of the same avoidance tactics and for me, I think it's a fear of becoming even more busy than I already am (which already seems too busy) until there is no room, not even a couple of hours, to simply go shopping with a girlfriend or decorate something or see a matinee or take a walk or plan a dinner ... things that make life so enjoyable. I think we often want success but are afraid of the unknown and wonder what will the price of success be. I have a feeling that there are many, many others with the same feelings! I know I've had the same feeling you describe while reading a book (for me, it's that I should be illustrating something instead of relaxing with a cup of tea and a book and it makes it hard to concentrate). Oh, what are we to do with ourselves? lol I certainly hope you had a weekend that you feel is a very good start to clearing those cobwebs. Keep me posted! xox

    SANDY M Illustration
    http://oohlafroufrou.blogspot.com

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  8. You always "get me" Sandy ;-) I am so with you on the reading a book thing; it's as though it's too pleasurable to be taking time out of my day to do. And don't even get me started on when was the last time I went to the cinema or theatre. Will certainly keep you posted Sandy xx

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  9. Hello from another expat living in the Netherlands !
    I resigned from my consultancy job on this Sunday. I am going through exactly what you have described here. I have 2 more weeks here at the office then I am gone. I can not wait for all the world waiting for me outside !
    Just think of all the things that you want to do. Nothing else. Others will come eventually, it always comes.
    Cheers to our new life !!!

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