Reflections+ Irrational Fears

So this week was my birthday.
No big milestone birthday, but quite an emotional
one for me. You see I finally reached the age that
was to be the age that my young Mum died.

I know this is totally irrational.
But it's been a mental milestone
that I have been dreading for as long
as I can remember.

It drives my loved ones mad.
But I can't get past it.

It finally arrived on Monday,
and everything is still the same. 
There was no big
clap of thunder. The sky did not
turn black. I didn't hear
Charlton Heston's voice booming
at me through the clouds.
No, everything just ticked
along as normal.

Was that what was "supposed" to happen?
Did I miss the memo?

So I tried not to think about or
mention "the number"out loud.

Instead I tried to reflect on what
I have learnt during my
forty-something years on this planet
(admittedly this was a struggle ;-)

I've learnt that:

* most fears are totally irrational
and that I still haven't mastered how to
not let what hasn't happened affect me as
if it has ;-)

*at all times I am where I am supposed
to be. So stop bloody fighting it ;-)

*it might take a day, a week or 
a year, but what we want will find us

*you should be able to count your
very closest friends on just one hand

*that there are still so many women
around the world who will never reach my age
as either their national life expectancy or circumstances
will dictate that

*every morning I am credited with 86,400 seconds.
It's for me to use every second wisely because
every night the slate is wiped clean and any
time I did not use is just written off.

*there is usually very little a good lipstick, heels and
chocolate won't solve

*and to…………..

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NEW: Is it only me that wants 
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So what has age taught you?
How do you deal with
irrational fears?

As always I love hearing your
views and thoughts.


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  2. Happy Birthday my friend! And what a wonderful and wise post you've written. Reminds me of why I love visiting you so much. Also we have a similar struggle with those pesky worries, although I can certainly have empathy for this one particular milestone. I'm so glad it's finally over and you can feel your burden lifted. Now it's time to take a deep breath and celebrate your life. I wish you beautiful shoes, luscious lipstick and all the chocolate your little heart desires!

    1. Awwwh Leslie. Thank you so much Sweetheart. Isn't it funny how the most irrational thoughts can dictate our every thought. Thank you for your lovely comments xx

  3. Still, it was a poignant birthday, I think reaching an age that surpasses that reached by a parent is always going to focus our sense of time.
    Happy Birthday, hope lots of lovely treats came your way.

  4. Happy Belated Birthday Vannessa, you are truly one of the strongest people I have met here in the blogosphere, resilient, wonderfully spirited, inspirational and thoughtful. I hope that this birthday brings you everything you wish, may all your fears be soothed away, may your happiness be heightened and may you continue to grow wiser with each day. Hugs & Cupcakes!

    1. Awwwh Sam! You are too kind. I don't think I am anymore resilient than anyone else. It's just something that gets easier with practice ;-)
      Thank you for your lovely words Sam. You are a real doll xx

  5. Happy Birthday Vannessa! It's always so hard losing a parent. I loss my father in 2007. It was hard. I'm SO close to my mom that I can't even imagine losing her. You can only live day by day and make each moment count. Try to ENJOY each day! Hope you had a wonderful birthday doll.

  6. I love this insightful post Vanessa! Can totally relate to a lot and I understand that you would think like that about your birthday. xo Caroline

  7. Happy Belated Birthday Vannessa. Here's to a great year ahead!

  8. I have irrational fears too and they are dreadful. For how do you combat the irrational with rationality? I'm learning to become observers of them instead of owners. Let them flutter around doing their panic thing, and that go away again. It's not easy but it's getting easier and my panics aren't nearly as overwhelming these days. I'm so glad for that. :-) I often have to say aloud to myself, "Hey girl, you're OK. You're safe. You're loved. You're going to be OK." Sometimes I believe myself and sometimes I go right ahead and panic anyway. :-) Wishing you peace and comfort as you navigate this time. XO

  9. Happy belated birthday!! You are not being silly or irrational ~ it is a natural fear. My girlfriend's Mom passed away at 41 from an aneurysm and she tells me that she thinks about it all the time ~ that at the time we knew she was gone too soon but she was so young so every year on her birthday she raises her glass ~ 45 this year and all is well. For the last 4 generations Alzhiemers has affected my aunts, grandmother, her mother and so on ~ so I think about it ~ I don't worry about it every day but is it in the back of my mind ~ absolutely. I will take some wine with my chocolate wearing lipstick and heels please. xoxo

  10. TYSM Lori. Always the voice of reason and wisdom xx

  11. Happy happy happy! Hope it ended up being a wonderful day. I can totally relate to your mixed birthday emotions. I always get really sad (and irrational... my husband's words) on my birthday wishing my mom could have been around the share it. Hang in there Vannessa...

  12. Happy Birthday my dear friend, sending you lots of hugs and kisses and blessings across the miles. I can understand your mixed birthday emotions ...since my accident each birthday feels like a bonus year... and since my forties have been spent healing and figure out what next - it sometimes feels like I've been cheated out of actually living life. Sometimes I do the what if I had not had my accident...what would I have done/accomplished in my forties, be doing, be thinking what would I be dressing like? ... of course the accident (as certain events in our lives) change the course of where we were headed, how we see things and how we think... As less than 24 months will see me step into a new decade - I'm kinda wondering what it will be like - because I feel like the forties was a blurr. As always a great post and most thought provoking ...hugs, C. (HHL)
    P.S. yes ... I'm hoping the mail man will arrive with a surprise this week. xo

  13. Oh dear, I am so happy I found this post. It hasn't autoloaded to the top of my feed so I didn't realize you had a new post. Happy Birthday my glamorous friend. I'm so relieved you didn't hear a clap of thunder or anything else on your day. It may feel irrational but it also makes great sense to me-your fear that is. The beauty is you have hit the milestone and are still rockin the animal print heels and chocolate. What a relief and a fresh new chapter for you. Cheers to you. Still, I can't help but say again, sorry for the loss of your mum. Losing a parent does change life forever. I understand. Your new jewelry is beyond fab just like you!
    xx, Heather
    PS-I have a terrible phobia with snakes-yikes!!

  14. Happy birthday, Vanessa. I cannot imagine losing a parent, especially one so young.

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