It seems that most of this year has been about
Not easy when you are a control freak.

As I watch all my friends and family go off on their 
summer jaunts.....I am still waiting;

*waiting for the grief of losing my Dad earlier
this year to subside.
It still hasn't! Will it ever I ask myself daily?

* waiting to finalise my Dad's
estate, something that has been so painful
for me

*waiting to see what my estranged Sister's next
move will be now that she "smells" inheritance!!

*waiting for karma (as you can tell this is related
to the previous point)

*waiting to move into my gorgeous new cottage in 
the Cotswold that I have just bought

*waiting.....with dread at leaving the home that has been 
in my family for more than 40 years.

*waiting to see whether I will cry when I leave,
or whether I will just close the door whilst biting
down hard on my lip and trying to be strong

*waiting to see whether all the memories from the 
past 40 years will come crashing down and overwhelm
me, or whether it will be a complete anti-climax

* waiting to make new experiences and memories

*waiting to belly laugh again without feeling guilty

*waiting for business objectives to  start to 
come to fruition. Sometimes you keep plugging
away and you can't see the immediate effect of all the small
things you are doing on a daily basis. 
I just have to remember all the 
small actions do have a compound effect.

*waiting for my business to be featured in Vogue 
and Elle China. I am so excited about this as this
is a market I really wanted to explore. So I am just waiting
to hear about the editorial dates etc

*waiting for some decent weather here in the UK.
I don't need it to be as hot as it is when I am in Spain.
But it would be nice to not have to put my duvet back
on my bed in the middle of July. Or to remember to 
take an umbrella rather than remember to carry
my sunglasses ;-)

*waiting for days when my mind can slow down

*waiting for days when I spend less time speaking
to lawyers and more time speaking to loved ones

*waiting for my creativity to come back

*waiting to design my new office space :-)

*waiting for the sun to slowly filter through my
grief and show me that there will be sunnier days

I'm just waiting


  1. Hello dear Vannessa, I caught this most heartfelt post on twitter and wanted to be sure to come back and comment. Your words perfectly capture the process of grief--it is such an uneven journey a times. My guess is that it will continue to come in waves, I know mine has since losing my dad, but I can promise that life will feel more normal again. It's interesting you mention doing things without guilt--the guilt of living life and enjoyment?? I felt that way too, at first. Just remember your dad and how very much he would want for you to be enjoying and embracing life. You will, in time, be feeling vibrant again...with many belly laughs to come. Thank you for sharing such a personal post my dear.
    Hugs, Heather

    1. Thank you so much Heather. Your words mean the world to me as you already know xx

    2. Wishing you a lovely weekend lovely lady! xx

  2. Dear Vanessa. I saw this post earlier but wanted to return after I had time to think about your words. First of all, thank you for being so authentic and vulnerable in this beautifully written post. And quite honestly, there are so many parts of 'waiting' that I can relate to even right now in my own life. I know that pent up feeling that comes when I'm not getting what I want right NOW. When I feel like I am truly not in control of a certain situation (my on-going lesson in life) and I know how frustrating it can feel. My heart goes out to you when it comes to grieving your Dad. I can only imagine what that's like because I haven't had to deal with such a profound loss like that yet. But I have known tremendous grief in my past, and my experience is that like all things, there seems to be an ebb and flow to it, and eventually time has a way of easing our rawest pains. I agree with Heather (such a wise person isn't she?) there will be a time when the clouds lift and you feel that lightness once again. Personally I am so excited about your new cottage, I've discovered that relocating and starting over in a new home is rejuvenating to one's spirit. It might even give you a fresh perspective on those old negative experiences with your Sister. Sigh. I can hear in your words how much she drains you. Although it's tough, I've found that letting go is the only answer when it comes to difficult people who have no interest in growing.
    thinking of you and sending you blue skies and sunshine from southern California,

  3. Thank you SO much for your lovely words Leslie. I hope you know how much they mean to me (I love the "sigh" towards the end of your message xx

  4. Vannessa, you are in my thoughts. I am so sorry that you have had to suffer the pain of losing your Dad. I hope that your sister does what is right in this situation. You are are a brave, strong woman and I know that everything will work out for you in time.

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